Let me tell you the story of Shirin (not real name,) a manager in a large pharma company.
Shirin was a high performer with a great track record. Despite being competent, reliable and hard-working, she had a tendency to sugarcoat her communication and found it challenging to speak up without trying to be “nice” and to set boundaries.
Shirin found it difficult to have tough, honest conversations with peers, clients and her manager, and it was counterintuitive for her to advocate for herself in meetings with senior leaders present.
An “aha” moment came when a friend relayed to her that she was described as “too soft” and “not gutsy enough” in a leadership discussion.
After initial shock, Shirin realised that her need to be liked was seriously undermining her credibility and leadership effectiveness. If she wanted to advance, she knew she had to do something about it. She asked around for executive coach recommendations, found me and joined my leadership accelerator programme, Elevate.
Within Elevate, I worked with Shirin on building her self-awareness, confidence and Emotional Intelligence, helping her find her authentic voice in difficult conversations, develop a strategic perspective, and assert herself with gravitas, clarity and authority.
Within a few weeks, Shirin started to prioritize her own views, needs and objectives, to set boundaries and communicate more effectively with everyone. She was able to have difficult conversations when needed and hold her team members accountable for their actions.
As a result, Shirin’s leadership style became much more effective and decisive. She was now making tough decisions that were in the best interest of the organization, even if they were unpopular with some team members. Shirin became more assertive in meetings, expressing her ideas and opinions with confidence, even when C-suite leaders were there.
With her newfound confidence and leadership communication skills, Shirin became known as a strategic and impactful asset within the organisation, and her team’s performance improved dramatically. She advocated for herself more boldly and used her voice on LinkedIn and panels, which opened up new opportunities for her career advancement.
But Shirin’s transformation wasn’t just about becoming a better leader. It was also about becoming a happier, more fulfilled person. As she no longer felt the need to constantly please others, at the expense of her own needs, she found a sense of empowerment and authenticity, and no longer felt exhausted and drained.
The results speak for themselves: Shirin recently took on a new, more challenging role within the company.
As a women’s leadership coach, I’ve worked with countless women like Shirin striving to become more effective leaders and advance in their careers. They’re smart, hardworking, and talented. Yet they’re stuck in middle management, unable to break through to the top. And more often than not, their people-pleasing tendencies are to blame.
We, women, are socialized to be nice, to put others first, and to avoid conflict. We’re praised for being helpful and cooperative, and we’re taught that being assertive or self-promoting is unbecoming and frowned upon. These messages are deeply ingrained in us from childhood, and they can be hard to shake off as adults.
Here’s how this tendency harms us:
People-pleasing is not leadership
Leadership requires confidence, assertiveness, and the ability to make tough decisions. When we’re focused on pleasing others, we’re acting like followers, not leaders.
People-pleasing equals ineffective communication. When we are worried about displeasing others, we may avoid difficult conversations or sugarcoat feedback, leading to bottlenecks, poor performance, a bigger crisis down the road and misunderstandings.
People-pleasing is exhausting
Trying to please everyone is a surefire way to burn out. It’s impossible to make everyone happy, and when we try, we end up sacrificing our own needs and goals. This leads to frustration, resentment, and ultimately, disengagement from our work.
People-pleasing is a barrier to your career advancement
When we’re constantly putting others first, we’re not advocating for ourselves. We’re not negotiating for better salaries, promotions, or opportunities. We’re not sharing our ideas boldly or taking risks. This makes it much harder to achieve our career goals and reach our full potential.
People-pleasing can harm your reputation and personal brand: When we’re constantly trying to please others, we may lose our authenticity and come across as disingenuous or opaque, undermining our credibility as leaders.
If you’re like Shirin and find yourself struggling with people-pleasing tendencies, it’s time to take action.
What really matters to you? What are your non-negotiables when it comes to work and life? When you’re clear on your priorities and values, it’s easier to make decisions that align with them, even if it means disappointing others.
Don’t be afraid to share your ideas and opinions, even if they’re unpopular or controversial. Speak up in meetings, pitch new projects, and take risks. When you show that you’re confident and knowledgeable, others will start to see you as a leader.