I’d like to discuss something I see all the time in ambitious women’s careers:
“Being nice”and how it melts away the opportunities.
Let me explain.
You’re helpful. Easy to work with. You avoid conflict. You know how not to rock the boat.
And then you’re left wondering why you’re not in the rooms where decisions are made… or on the list when promotions are announced.
Here’s what I’ve seen working with women managers, and earlier, in my own corporate career:
We’ve been conditioned from childhood to be “good girls” – agreeable, accommodating, easy-going. At work, this often translates into over-delivering without recognition, avoiding uncomfortable conversations, and keeping our heads down to be “liked.”
The stats are sobering: 76% of high-performing women get personality-based criticism in reviews vs. just 2% of men. No wonder so many of us hesitate to challenge an idea or share a different perspective.
But leadership isn’t about avoiding discomfort. It’s about earning respect. And that takes something more powerful than niceness.
It takes kind candour.
Kind candour is the art of being direct while still showing care. It’s saying the thing that needs to be said – whether it’s feedback, a new idea, or a “no” – in a way that strengthens trust instead of damaging it.
I learned this lesson the hard way. Early in my career, I thought keeping the peace would earn me influence. It didn’t. I sat in meetings with my ideas never leaving my notebook. I said “yes” when I should have said “no.” I waited for recognition that never came.
The turning point for me was when I saw a peer deliver tough feedback in a way that was both crystal-clear and deeply supportive. He challenged people without shaming them. That’s when I realised: candour, paired with kindness, is the ultimate leadership accelerator.
If you’re serious about stepping into bigger opportunities -whether it’s a promotion or a pivot to a better-fit role/industry – this is one of the skills you can’t afford to avoid.